I hate using the word jealous. It makes me very uncomfortable because I feel like there is a lot of anger associated with the word. I prefer envious, see … not so angry. When people say, “I’m so jealous you aren’t working today” are you mad that I’m not working or just wish you weren’t working either?
Anyway, I digress because I am going to purposefully use the word jealous because I AM jealous. I am jealous of my sister because she made the most fabulous purchase when we were in San Francisco. See Sissy was in desperate need of a pair of black boots. The ones she had been wearing were shameful. I didn’t want to be seen with her when she had them on, which was unfortunately, quite often. Sissy and I went to my favorite place on earth, Saks. And the Saks in San Fran was fab. I was beckoned by the Louboutin Gods and felt my feet take me to the display even though I did my best to resist. I was not there to shop after all, I was there to help Sissy.
She tried on pumps, I said, don’t bother with those. Try on those boots. She said no because she didn’t want to fall in love with them and then feel pressure to buy them. I said there is no such thing.
There was a bitchy patron watching our every move when Sissy tried on the boots. She made a snide comment that Sissy had the boots on the wrong feet. I thought, no way, MY sister would ever be so dumb. OMG Sissy DOES have the boots on the wrong feet, "take them off, take them off," I screamed at her in my mind. Sissy said something about them looking different when they are standing up, but I couldn’t even listen, I was too busy figuring out where I was going to die.
The salesman asked us if we needed any water. Sissy was about to pass out after the wrong foot incident so she accepted. I declined. I didn’t want this bitchy patron to think I was even close to being human.
Long story short, Sissy is the proud owner of beauteous pair of 100mm knee high Christian Louboutin boots. It was the best purchase of either of our lives and I am insanely jealous. See, even normal people aren’t able to jam their calves in those boots. Sissy almost had a bit of a problem, but we did our best to shove her legs in there anyway. If I was able to wear them and could afford them, I’d have several pairs by now. But I don’t and I am totally jel. Actually, who am I kidding ... even if I couldn’t afford them (which I can't), I’d have a least one pair.
Wear them well sissy, you deserve them.
P.S. – after this shoe debacle and with the 20% discount that day for opening up a charge, Sissy bought me a pair of sunglasses. Now she can be jealous of me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tales from the Spa Cave
What is better than a long weekend in California? Probably a full week in California, but I will take whatever comes my way. I just got home from a wonderful little escape to San Francisco and the Napa Valley where I wined, dined, and wined some more. I have never been a wine aficionado, I am still not, but at least now I know the techniques to look like I know what I am doing.
Oh vino, I have come to appreciate you so. So much in fact, that I decided to treat myself at our resort/spa to a little package called the “Solo Vino” that they offered in their spa caves. It was described as a real treat to the senses with a body scrub, wrap, and massage. Well how could I pass it up, especially when they were going to rub, scrub, and wrap me in grape seeds and extracts? Well this Solo Vino package was not all it was cracked up to be. In fact, instead of it being a relaxing 2 hours, I spent a majority of the time in a full blown panic attack. Please, let me explain …
It all started out harmless enough. I will say that there was a bit of a wrench thrown into the plan as I was suffering from a monthly woman problem. My therapist lady didn’t even introduce herself to me until I was practically nude in the room. I’m sorry, call me old fashioned, but I like to know a person’s name before they start rubbing oils all over me. She really didn’t explain anything about the treatments to me, so I figured no problemo, I can leave my undies on. I guess I am not only old fashioned, but incredibly modest. She said, “Are you going to leave those on?” I meekly said, “Yes,” although what I really wanted to say was, “Believe me lady, you’ll thank me later.”
So she proceeded to scrub the crap out of me. This would have been blissful if the towel she gave me to cover up with wasn’t the size of a washcloth. And wouldn’t you know when she told me she was going to cover her face with the tiny towel as I flipped over, she dropped said towel and caught me mid-flip. NOT HAPPY. So now that I am all scrubbed, she proceeds to take a hose-like thing and rinse me off. Well I could have used some warning that I’d be stuck in wet bottoms for the rest of the treatment, but she didn’t seem to care.
Now comes this cave mud. She really slathers it on, and again washcloth size towel to cover myself. Thankfully she didn’t drop the towel this time, I think she got her fill the first time. Then she wraps me in plastic wrap and leaves for 15 minutes. In my 15 minutes of what was supposed to be relaxation I wondered how am I supposed to get this mud off and what on Earth am I going to do with these underwear because there is no way they can stay on for another hour especially with the massage coming up next.
Bottom line, after 15 minutes, I had no plan. Then she comes back in and gives me my next orders, “I am going to start the shower for you. Make sure you get all the mud off, I’ll clean up the room and give you some privacy. When you are done, come back out here and lay on your back and put the (washcloth size) towel over you.” So now I am in the shower and it becomes clear that the underwear are no longer wearable. But what am I going to do with them? I came up with the bright idea to shove them into the pocket of my bathrobe that was hanging on the door. So in my quick alone time between shower and table, I found a spare towel (thank god) and stuffed the goods in the pocket of my robe. What was really going through my mind was how this woman was going to react to my now obvious missing underwear. Luckily she didn’t say a single word although, I could practically HEAR her thinking, where are the underwear? Too bad she didn’t see the puddle forming by the door where the evidence was dripping out of my robe. Or maybe she did, I can’t be sure and was too mortified to even acknowledge my missing undergarments.
The massage was next, which went off without much fanfare. I was thinking of my sissy who was in the next room getting the same treatments. Was she suffering as much as I was? More than likely she ripped all her clothes off and showed her lady all the goods before they were in the room. Actually after our debrief of the experience, sissy said she was also thinking of me. Especially when she received her little towel to cover up with. Believe me, if it wasn’t working for her, it would not be working for me.
When all was said and done, I went back to the locker room and put on my clothes, sans any underwear. As a little surprise, I broke into a certain aunt’s locker and left a wet, muddy gift. She was not amused, but then again neither was I.
Oh vino, I have come to appreciate you so. So much in fact, that I decided to treat myself at our resort/spa to a little package called the “Solo Vino” that they offered in their spa caves. It was described as a real treat to the senses with a body scrub, wrap, and massage. Well how could I pass it up, especially when they were going to rub, scrub, and wrap me in grape seeds and extracts? Well this Solo Vino package was not all it was cracked up to be. In fact, instead of it being a relaxing 2 hours, I spent a majority of the time in a full blown panic attack. Please, let me explain …
It all started out harmless enough. I will say that there was a bit of a wrench thrown into the plan as I was suffering from a monthly woman problem. My therapist lady didn’t even introduce herself to me until I was practically nude in the room. I’m sorry, call me old fashioned, but I like to know a person’s name before they start rubbing oils all over me. She really didn’t explain anything about the treatments to me, so I figured no problemo, I can leave my undies on. I guess I am not only old fashioned, but incredibly modest. She said, “Are you going to leave those on?” I meekly said, “Yes,” although what I really wanted to say was, “Believe me lady, you’ll thank me later.”
So she proceeded to scrub the crap out of me. This would have been blissful if the towel she gave me to cover up with wasn’t the size of a washcloth. And wouldn’t you know when she told me she was going to cover her face with the tiny towel as I flipped over, she dropped said towel and caught me mid-flip. NOT HAPPY. So now that I am all scrubbed, she proceeds to take a hose-like thing and rinse me off. Well I could have used some warning that I’d be stuck in wet bottoms for the rest of the treatment, but she didn’t seem to care.
Now comes this cave mud. She really slathers it on, and again washcloth size towel to cover myself. Thankfully she didn’t drop the towel this time, I think she got her fill the first time. Then she wraps me in plastic wrap and leaves for 15 minutes. In my 15 minutes of what was supposed to be relaxation I wondered how am I supposed to get this mud off and what on Earth am I going to do with these underwear because there is no way they can stay on for another hour especially with the massage coming up next.
Bottom line, after 15 minutes, I had no plan. Then she comes back in and gives me my next orders, “I am going to start the shower for you. Make sure you get all the mud off, I’ll clean up the room and give you some privacy. When you are done, come back out here and lay on your back and put the (washcloth size) towel over you.” So now I am in the shower and it becomes clear that the underwear are no longer wearable. But what am I going to do with them? I came up with the bright idea to shove them into the pocket of my bathrobe that was hanging on the door. So in my quick alone time between shower and table, I found a spare towel (thank god) and stuffed the goods in the pocket of my robe. What was really going through my mind was how this woman was going to react to my now obvious missing underwear. Luckily she didn’t say a single word although, I could practically HEAR her thinking, where are the underwear? Too bad she didn’t see the puddle forming by the door where the evidence was dripping out of my robe. Or maybe she did, I can’t be sure and was too mortified to even acknowledge my missing undergarments.
The massage was next, which went off without much fanfare. I was thinking of my sissy who was in the next room getting the same treatments. Was she suffering as much as I was? More than likely she ripped all her clothes off and showed her lady all the goods before they were in the room. Actually after our debrief of the experience, sissy said she was also thinking of me. Especially when she received her little towel to cover up with. Believe me, if it wasn’t working for her, it would not be working for me.
When all was said and done, I went back to the locker room and put on my clothes, sans any underwear. As a little surprise, I broke into a certain aunt’s locker and left a wet, muddy gift. She was not amused, but then again neither was I.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Third Eye Blind
Back in the day, as in 1996, when I was 11 years old, I was obsessed with Third Eye Blind. I mean totally obsessed, and this was really before I could submerge myself into the depths of the Internet doing my good stalking, I mean, “research.”
I had this friend who turned me on to them, and for that, I will always be thankful to her even though I have not seen/talked to her in about 10 years. So anyway, I loved 3EB. One time I went to San Francisco (where 3EB hailed from) and I made my Aunt call every Stephen Jenkins in the phonebook. We thought she found the right one and she left a weirdo message on voicemail saying something along the lines of, “Hi I hope this is the Stephen Jenkins from Third Eye Blind. I just wanted to say I love your music. We have three generations (my grandma was also on this particular trip) of fans that really love your songs. Thank you.” I know this is bizzaro, but see, I was a bit of a pain in the ass, and I think she thought it would make me happy and would stop me from being an all around miserable human being. (It did and that is why Auntie Mar continues to be one of my most favorite people ever).
Now that I have creeped myself (and everyone else) out it brings me back to my point of how much I loved this band when I was younger. I continued to like them through there last full record – “Out of the Vein” which came out when I was a junior in High School or so. The last time I saw them in concert it was at a teeny tiny club in Hartford; I might have been the only person that knew all the words to all the songs.
So 3EB have fallen off the radar a bit since then, who cares? They are still good … they are still the Semi-Charmed Life, Motorcycle Drive By boys that we love (although their lineup has changed a bit). You all can imagine my delight to find that they are playing in my very own Stamfeezy. It’s so close to me house I could walk! No more friends' parents driving us to Poughkeepsie or wherever else. This is awesome.
Needless to say, I’ll be making an appearance at this monumental show. It will be the first one where I can legally drink. I’ll be the girl wearing her Bonfire Tour t-shirt circa 1997.
I had this friend who turned me on to them, and for that, I will always be thankful to her even though I have not seen/talked to her in about 10 years. So anyway, I loved 3EB. One time I went to San Francisco (where 3EB hailed from) and I made my Aunt call every Stephen Jenkins in the phonebook. We thought she found the right one and she left a weirdo message on voicemail saying something along the lines of, “Hi I hope this is the Stephen Jenkins from Third Eye Blind. I just wanted to say I love your music. We have three generations (my grandma was also on this particular trip) of fans that really love your songs. Thank you.” I know this is bizzaro, but see, I was a bit of a pain in the ass, and I think she thought it would make me happy and would stop me from being an all around miserable human being. (It did and that is why Auntie Mar continues to be one of my most favorite people ever).
Now that I have creeped myself (and everyone else) out it brings me back to my point of how much I loved this band when I was younger. I continued to like them through there last full record – “Out of the Vein” which came out when I was a junior in High School or so. The last time I saw them in concert it was at a teeny tiny club in Hartford; I might have been the only person that knew all the words to all the songs.
So 3EB have fallen off the radar a bit since then, who cares? They are still good … they are still the Semi-Charmed Life, Motorcycle Drive By boys that we love (although their lineup has changed a bit). You all can imagine my delight to find that they are playing in my very own Stamfeezy. It’s so close to me house I could walk! No more friends' parents driving us to Poughkeepsie or wherever else. This is awesome.
Needless to say, I’ll be making an appearance at this monumental show. It will be the first one where I can legally drink. I’ll be the girl wearing her Bonfire Tour t-shirt circa 1997.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Life and Times of Janet
Sometimes when I think about my blog I struggle to come up with things to write about. I normally operate under the pretense that I’ll know what to write about as soon as it happens. Kind of like when I watch, “Say Yes to the Dress” and the bride knows immediately that the dress she is wearing is the one that is perfect for her wedding. I never want to rush things and I certainly don’t want to waste my time writing about nothing just to post something.
This morning I was having that icky feeling of, ‘wow, I guess nothing is going on.’ So I showered, got dressed, had my usual 2 whole wheat/fat free waffles for breakfast and was out the door. I must say that I was a bit perturbed thinking that this whole week absolutely nothing of news worthiness happened to me. I meandered down the street thinking this is one of the last times I can wear my down coat because the feathers were coming out. I can only imagine what the people behind me were thinking. In my mind I was positive they were saying to themselves, “is that girl de-feathering a chicken up there?” Perhaps they even had this conversation with other people in the street. Good thing that I listen to my Ipod extremely loud and couldn’t hear their chatter about yours truly.
So just as I am about to make my last turn onto Madison, out of nowhere Janet flies by on her bicycle. Now I don’t know Janet and I am not making up her name. I believe her name is Janet because it said so on her very authentic looking miniature Empire State license plate that she had attached to her bicycle. I’ve seen Janet on my morning walks to work before, but since I was searching for some excitement in my life, I picked up the pace and tried to keep up with her.
Janet is one of those very eccentric, yet seemingly authentic New Yorkers. Off of the mean streets of Manhattan, you would think that something was wrong with her. However, in our concrete jungle, Janet is just another person making her way around town. I started to imagine a whole life for Janet and what she is like. I already know that she has wild fashion sense and I doubt that she cares that she looks like the Wicked Witch as she speeds down the sidewalk (something I don’t agree with). Janet may or may not have several cats and eat their food as her own. Janet also had a cane that she attached to the front of her bike. I assume that she has problems walking, but I didn’t notice any impediments as she peddled. Perhaps it’s for show, although I doubt that Janet does anything for show, she is simply just being Janet. I bet she is super creative and has a studio where she makes amazing art out of trash cans, Snapple bottles, and Slim Jim wrappers. She might go to Renaissance Fairs on the weekends and drink steaming brew out of a goblet. I bet she has a boyfriend who is an old stoner that helps her with her art exhibits and they spend Friday nights sipping red wine and soaking in the hot tub he built on the fire escape.
I started to become very jealous of Janet’s carefree lifestyle. As Janet took off going west on 29th street, I was snapped back to reality. I got a twinge … Janet was certainly blog-worthy.
This morning I was having that icky feeling of, ‘wow, I guess nothing is going on.’ So I showered, got dressed, had my usual 2 whole wheat/fat free waffles for breakfast and was out the door. I must say that I was a bit perturbed thinking that this whole week absolutely nothing of news worthiness happened to me. I meandered down the street thinking this is one of the last times I can wear my down coat because the feathers were coming out. I can only imagine what the people behind me were thinking. In my mind I was positive they were saying to themselves, “is that girl de-feathering a chicken up there?” Perhaps they even had this conversation with other people in the street. Good thing that I listen to my Ipod extremely loud and couldn’t hear their chatter about yours truly.
So just as I am about to make my last turn onto Madison, out of nowhere Janet flies by on her bicycle. Now I don’t know Janet and I am not making up her name. I believe her name is Janet because it said so on her very authentic looking miniature Empire State license plate that she had attached to her bicycle. I’ve seen Janet on my morning walks to work before, but since I was searching for some excitement in my life, I picked up the pace and tried to keep up with her.
Janet is one of those very eccentric, yet seemingly authentic New Yorkers. Off of the mean streets of Manhattan, you would think that something was wrong with her. However, in our concrete jungle, Janet is just another person making her way around town. I started to imagine a whole life for Janet and what she is like. I already know that she has wild fashion sense and I doubt that she cares that she looks like the Wicked Witch as she speeds down the sidewalk (something I don’t agree with). Janet may or may not have several cats and eat their food as her own. Janet also had a cane that she attached to the front of her bike. I assume that she has problems walking, but I didn’t notice any impediments as she peddled. Perhaps it’s for show, although I doubt that Janet does anything for show, she is simply just being Janet. I bet she is super creative and has a studio where she makes amazing art out of trash cans, Snapple bottles, and Slim Jim wrappers. She might go to Renaissance Fairs on the weekends and drink steaming brew out of a goblet. I bet she has a boyfriend who is an old stoner that helps her with her art exhibits and they spend Friday nights sipping red wine and soaking in the hot tub he built on the fire escape.
I started to become very jealous of Janet’s carefree lifestyle. As Janet took off going west on 29th street, I was snapped back to reality. I got a twinge … Janet was certainly blog-worthy.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Oscar Fashion Recap
I don’t like to make predictions regarding award shows because I am normally wrong. What I like to do is wait until the awards are handed out and then tell everyone, “I knew he/she was going to win!” This way everyone thinks I am smart or wonders if I have ESP. However, my most favorite activity is dissecting everyone’s glamorous attire.
I must give give a shout out to some of my ladies who were looking good last night … Anne Hathaway (although every time I look at her she looks whiter and thinner), Penelope Cruz, and I don’t care what everyone else says, I thought Marisa Tomei looked stunning. Light colors were definitely the trend on the carpet. And of course, black, but you can’t go wrong with black.
Some ladies – not so much. What was wrong with Jessica Biel? She looked like a real mess. Also Miley Cyrus … honestly, go home, slap some braces on, wait a few years, and maybe you’ll stand a chance of looking like a normal person. I like how she said, “I have a movie coming out this year. Maybe next year I’ll be nominated,” … ugh, I think not. This is the Oscars for cripes sake, not the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. Even my beloved SJP was looking off last night. I will say that since I saw her wearing those hoof-ish shoes last week, I’ve been a little turned off. Do you need someone to tell you to distance yourself as much as possible from anything equine-esque? And I am sorry, I might be drinking the hater-ade, but Beyonce, just because your mother is a ‘designer,’ doesn’t mean she is any good at it. We all remember HeidiWood, don’t we?
Last, but certainly not least, the gentlemen all looked quite dapper. I don’t know if they can really get it wrong, but I will say, Mickey Rourke came dangerously close. But honestly, what else should one expect from a Jean-Paul Gaultier tuxedo? I must cut the man some slack; his is the comeback of the century and he just lost his dog. Robert Downey Jr., … dang … if being a recovering heroin addict makes you look that good, well, stick a needle in my arm and give me the black tar.
I’m so sad that award season is over … I live for this stuff. And Miley, please, I implore you, take my advice and sit next year out.
I must give give a shout out to some of my ladies who were looking good last night … Anne Hathaway (although every time I look at her she looks whiter and thinner), Penelope Cruz, and I don’t care what everyone else says, I thought Marisa Tomei looked stunning. Light colors were definitely the trend on the carpet. And of course, black, but you can’t go wrong with black.
Some ladies – not so much. What was wrong with Jessica Biel? She looked like a real mess. Also Miley Cyrus … honestly, go home, slap some braces on, wait a few years, and maybe you’ll stand a chance of looking like a normal person. I like how she said, “I have a movie coming out this year. Maybe next year I’ll be nominated,” … ugh, I think not. This is the Oscars for cripes sake, not the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. Even my beloved SJP was looking off last night. I will say that since I saw her wearing those hoof-ish shoes last week, I’ve been a little turned off. Do you need someone to tell you to distance yourself as much as possible from anything equine-esque? And I am sorry, I might be drinking the hater-ade, but Beyonce, just because your mother is a ‘designer,’ doesn’t mean she is any good at it. We all remember HeidiWood, don’t we?
Last, but certainly not least, the gentlemen all looked quite dapper. I don’t know if they can really get it wrong, but I will say, Mickey Rourke came dangerously close. But honestly, what else should one expect from a Jean-Paul Gaultier tuxedo? I must cut the man some slack; his is the comeback of the century and he just lost his dog. Robert Downey Jr., … dang … if being a recovering heroin addict makes you look that good, well, stick a needle in my arm and give me the black tar.
I’m so sad that award season is over … I live for this stuff. And Miley, please, I implore you, take my advice and sit next year out.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
(un)Happy Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day has never been my favorite holiday. Actually it is one of my least holidays, most likely because I’ve never had a proper valentine. One year when I was in middle school, I wore all black to show my distaste for the holiday. As you can tell, I was a real badass. Years later, after I gave up my “goth” look, I waited in anxiety to see if they would deliver those dollar carnations to me in high school. Sometimes a boy or two would send one, but I could always count on at least one girlfriend to do her perpetually single friend that nice service.
Well today there were no carnations, not even someone to talk about how terribly depressing the day was going to be. Oh no – today was the day I would meet my maker at H&R Block. Today was Tax Day and I was looking forward to it as much as the day that I wore my all black outfit to middle school. After a bit of a scheduling glitch (I say glitch, but it was really my tax lady asking if we could change my appointment from 9am to 11am because she wanted to sleep in and normally doesn’t work on Saturdays) I made my way with my $25 off coupon in hand and all the tax info she could possibly ask of me.
I knew that no matter what, I was in for bad news. I worked for almost four months as an independent contractor and had no NY taxes taken out of my check – I would certainly have to pay today (pun intended). Well slowly but surely my tax professional entered my info in and told me what was up. I now owe $749 to the State of New York and the IRS. Additionally, I had to pay H&R Block $179* because I had to file 2 states and had a 1099. Oh, I’m sorry, are my taxes too complicated for you? Thank the Lord I pay over $800 a month on my student loans (I never thought I would say that) because all the interest that accrued last year saved me close to 400 bones. The woman said there is a silver lining to everything … I said, “excuse me while I blow my brains out.”
So one hour of my time, cost me close to $1,000. I could have done a lot with that money, like buy myself a Valentine. This is just further proof that 2008 was the worst year ever. I rest my case.
*Reflects $25 credit from coupon.
Well today there were no carnations, not even someone to talk about how terribly depressing the day was going to be. Oh no – today was the day I would meet my maker at H&R Block. Today was Tax Day and I was looking forward to it as much as the day that I wore my all black outfit to middle school. After a bit of a scheduling glitch (I say glitch, but it was really my tax lady asking if we could change my appointment from 9am to 11am because she wanted to sleep in and normally doesn’t work on Saturdays) I made my way with my $25 off coupon in hand and all the tax info she could possibly ask of me.
I knew that no matter what, I was in for bad news. I worked for almost four months as an independent contractor and had no NY taxes taken out of my check – I would certainly have to pay today (pun intended). Well slowly but surely my tax professional entered my info in and told me what was up. I now owe $749 to the State of New York and the IRS. Additionally, I had to pay H&R Block $179* because I had to file 2 states and had a 1099. Oh, I’m sorry, are my taxes too complicated for you? Thank the Lord I pay over $800 a month on my student loans (I never thought I would say that) because all the interest that accrued last year saved me close to 400 bones. The woman said there is a silver lining to everything … I said, “excuse me while I blow my brains out.”
So one hour of my time, cost me close to $1,000. I could have done a lot with that money, like buy myself a Valentine. This is just further proof that 2008 was the worst year ever. I rest my case.
*Reflects $25 credit from coupon.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Are You There God, It's Me, Nina?
Dear God,
If you are there and take the time to read my blog, I need some help. You see I found this pair of shoes on Saks.com. They are available for pre-order only and I am worried that if I don't get them soon that my life might be over. I don’t know how these things usually work, but I am going to pray for them all week. So maybe we can work out a little deal … either you tell my boss to give me a nice bonus for working so hard or maybe you can send someone from your posse down here to hand deliver them from France. I’m including a picture so you don’t get confused. Size 38 please.
Thank you and please say hello to some of my peeps up there.
If you are there and take the time to read my blog, I need some help. You see I found this pair of shoes on Saks.com. They are available for pre-order only and I am worried that if I don't get them soon that my life might be over. I don’t know how these things usually work, but I am going to pray for them all week. So maybe we can work out a little deal … either you tell my boss to give me a nice bonus for working so hard or maybe you can send someone from your posse down here to hand deliver them from France. I’m including a picture so you don’t get confused. Size 38 please.
Thank you and please say hello to some of my peeps up there.
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