The Unhappiest Place on Earth

I know people that love Disney World … or is it Disney Land? I don’t know and it really makes no difference, they are both terrible. Some people flock to Disney and it makes them really happy. It is supposedly ‘the happiest place on Earth.’ Well Walt, I beg to differ. I went to Disney World once and it was the worst trip of my entire life. As a matter of fact, if God ever does the opposite of blessing me and somehow I end up with a child, or gross, more than one, they will never go to any Disney park and they should consider it a gift from me to them.

Before I get into the story of why I harbor such hatred towards Disney World, I will say that I went when I was 9 or 10 under the guise of a dance trip with my mom and sister. Dance was never a really good thing for me to get involved with. Sequins and spandex never have been, and never will be, a look that works for me. Also, during a particularly heated argument at Magic Kingdom, I think my mom got so mad at me and Sissy that she left us there. That could be gross exaggeration, but in my mind, Sissy and me had to fend for ourselves and make it back to our hotel room sans any parental guidance.

There are certain things that stand out in my mind as being particularly heinous from our first (and only) trip to Orlando. First, those pre-historic looking turkey legs ... WTF. Why someone would make a spectacle out of them self and eat that thing in public is beyond my comprehension. And if you are eating said turkey leg and wearing a fanny-pack, I mean honestly, shoot yourself now. Second, I am not a fan of rides. I was too afraid to go on Space Mountain and I don’t think my family has ever fully forgiven me for ruining that magical moment. I did go on the Tower of Terror and I think my equilibrium has been askew ever since.

That being said, if for some reason I do ever go back to Disney, I don’t even know if they would even let me in the park. See we had a bit of a run in with Snow White. I didn’t know that my mom liked her so much, but when she saw her from about 200 feet away, Lynno charged her and pushed many young girls out of the way. She was reprimanded by Snow White who had to ask her to please calm down … I was scarred for life.

So if for some reason there are hungry mouths that I am legally obligated to feed and care for, they will not be hitting Disney World. They are going to experience the world the same way that I did … by watching a lot of trashy TV including General Hospital and Jerry Springer. That’s what I did and I think I turned out OK. I mean I DO have a blog.