Doing It for the Kiddies

I have taken to my blog to discuss the VERY important topic of everyone’s favorite butter face swimming champion/recently busted ding-dong, Michael Phelps.

I used to love Michael Phelps. I liked him during the 2004 Olympics when I memorized exactly what he ate everyday. During the 2008 Olympics I was like everyone else waiting to see if he would break records and win those gold medals. He’s face isn’t all that exciting, but nobody can deny that bod. Anyway, I digress, for I am VERY upset with Mikey and here is why.

I think everyone has heard about Michael’s most recent discretion, but I really don’t care if the boy wants to cut loose and smoke a little weed. I mean, it’s not like he was found in a gutter in Tulsa with a needle in his arm and meth-face. What really irks me is the fact that he must be mentally challenged and it is ruining my belief that money buys you smarts! After the 2004 Olympics our boy got his first (and I am sure, not last) DUI. After which he went on the Today Show and told Matt Lauer he does not have a drinking problem. I am sure he donated the big bucks to some charity that helps kids whose precious lives were changed due to drunken driving, yada, yada, took some pics, and it was all forgotten. Four years later he is firing up the bong at some party at some college in South Carolina. Now I am no rocket science, I am guessing that Michael Phelps isn’t either, but people sometimes, as shocking as it seems, take pictures when they are drinking, or in his case, smoking their faces off. Facebook exists because there are drunks out there that love to document that shizz – present blogger included, thank you very much. Also, you can bet, that if I was whooping it up with digital camera in hand and I saw an Olympic athlete hitting the old bong, I’d be snapping away with that thing zoomed up so close you could see his jacked up teeth. I want to see him on the Today Show (again) telling Matt, “No, I am not a drug addict.” I don’t think that he is and more importantly, I don’t care if he is. Believe me; the world will go on with or without another asshole swimmer. I just feel like he is making the big bucks and therefore he has some sort of responsibility to the peeps that look up to him.

I want to know if Michael Phelps really thinks that he is above the law or if he just really is a dumbo who overestimates other people’s (drunken) integrity. I think it is most certainly the latter. I can’t wait to see what his mother has to say about this. Will her lucrative Chico’s endorsement go out the window? I hope not, that broad is sassy. I am pretty sure that I know how this one will end though. Our boy Mikey will take to the airwaves, apologize, donate some mula to some afterschool drug program for the kidlets, and nobody will even remember this little mishap.

So Mikey – keep up the good work. Smoke it up, drink it up, drive around town and act like a madman. I am sure someone will care, just not me. I will be too busy looking at those coked out hookers you picked up on your most recent trip to Vegas. You must make your mother so proud.