The Life and Times of Janet

Sometimes when I think about my blog I struggle to come up with things to write about. I normally operate under the pretense that I’ll know what to write about as soon as it happens. Kind of like when I watch, “Say Yes to the Dress” and the bride knows immediately that the dress she is wearing is the one that is perfect for her wedding. I never want to rush things and I certainly don’t want to waste my time writing about nothing just to post something.

This morning I was having that icky feeling of, ‘wow, I guess nothing is going on.’ So I showered, got dressed, had my usual 2 whole wheat/fat free waffles for breakfast and was out the door. I must say that I was a bit perturbed thinking that this whole week absolutely nothing of news worthiness happened to me. I meandered down the street thinking this is one of the last times I can wear my down coat because the feathers were coming out. I can only imagine what the people behind me were thinking. In my mind I was positive they were saying to themselves, “is that girl de-feathering a chicken up there?” Perhaps they even had this conversation with other people in the street. Good thing that I listen to my Ipod extremely loud and couldn’t hear their chatter about yours truly.

So just as I am about to make my last turn onto Madison, out of nowhere Janet flies by on her bicycle. Now I don’t know Janet and I am not making up her name. I believe her name is Janet because it said so on her very authentic looking miniature Empire State license plate that she had attached to her bicycle. I’ve seen Janet on my morning walks to work before, but since I was searching for some excitement in my life, I picked up the pace and tried to keep up with her.

Janet is one of those very eccentric, yet seemingly authentic New Yorkers. Off of the mean streets of Manhattan, you would think that something was wrong with her. However, in our concrete jungle, Janet is just another person making her way around town. I started to imagine a whole life for Janet and what she is like. I already know that she has wild fashion sense and I doubt that she cares that she looks like the Wicked Witch as she speeds down the sidewalk (something I don’t agree with). Janet may or may not have several cats and eat their food as her own. Janet also had a cane that she attached to the front of her bike. I assume that she has problems walking, but I didn’t notice any impediments as she peddled. Perhaps it’s for show, although I doubt that Janet does anything for show, she is simply just being Janet. I bet she is super creative and has a studio where she makes amazing art out of trash cans, Snapple bottles, and Slim Jim wrappers. She might go to Renaissance Fairs on the weekends and drink steaming brew out of a goblet. I bet she has a boyfriend who is an old stoner that helps her with her art exhibits and they spend Friday nights sipping red wine and soaking in the hot tub he built on the fire escape.

I started to become very jealous of Janet’s carefree lifestyle. As Janet took off going west on 29th street, I was snapped back to reality. I got a twinge … Janet was certainly blog-worthy.

Oscar Fashion Recap

I don’t like to make predictions regarding award shows because I am normally wrong. What I like to do is wait until the awards are handed out and then tell everyone, “I knew he/she was going to win!” This way everyone thinks I am smart or wonders if I have ESP. However, my most favorite activity is dissecting everyone’s glamorous attire.

I must give give a shout out to some of my ladies who were looking good last night … Anne Hathaway (although every time I look at her she looks whiter and thinner), Penelope Cruz, and I don’t care what everyone else says, I thought Marisa Tomei looked stunning. Light colors were definitely the trend on the carpet. And of course, black, but you can’t go wrong with black.

Some ladies – not so much. What was wrong with Jessica Biel? She looked like a real mess. Also Miley Cyrus … honestly, go home, slap some braces on, wait a few years, and maybe you’ll stand a chance of looking like a normal person. I like how she said, “I have a movie coming out this year. Maybe next year I’ll be nominated,” … ugh, I think not. This is the Oscars for cripes sake, not the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. Even my beloved SJP was looking off last night. I will say that since I saw her wearing those hoof-ish shoes last week, I’ve been a little turned off. Do you need someone to tell you to distance yourself as much as possible from anything equine-esque? And I am sorry, I might be drinking the hater-ade, but Beyonce, just because your mother is a ‘designer,’ doesn’t mean she is any good at it. We all remember HeidiWood, don’t we?

Last, but certainly not least, the gentlemen all looked quite dapper. I don’t know if they can really get it wrong, but I will say, Mickey Rourke came dangerously close. But honestly, what else should one expect from a Jean-Paul Gaultier tuxedo? I must cut the man some slack; his is the comeback of the century and he just lost his dog. Robert Downey Jr., … dang … if being a recovering heroin addict makes you look that good, well, stick a needle in my arm and give me the black tar.

I’m so sad that award season is over … I live for this stuff. And Miley, please, I implore you, take my advice and sit next year out.

(un)Happy Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has never been my favorite holiday. Actually it is one of my least holidays, most likely because I’ve never had a proper valentine. One year when I was in middle school, I wore all black to show my distaste for the holiday. As you can tell, I was a real badass. Years later, after I gave up my “goth” look, I waited in anxiety to see if they would deliver those dollar carnations to me in high school. Sometimes a boy or two would send one, but I could always count on at least one girlfriend to do her perpetually single friend that nice service.

Well today there were no carnations, not even someone to talk about how terribly depressing the day was going to be. Oh no – today was the day I would meet my maker at H&R Block. Today was Tax Day and I was looking forward to it as much as the day that I wore my all black outfit to middle school. After a bit of a scheduling glitch (I say glitch, but it was really my tax lady asking if we could change my appointment from 9am to 11am because she wanted to sleep in and normally doesn’t work on Saturdays) I made my way with my $25 off coupon in hand and all the tax info she could possibly ask of me.

I knew that no matter what, I was in for bad news. I worked for almost four months as an independent contractor and had no NY taxes taken out of my check – I would certainly have to pay today (pun intended). Well slowly but surely my tax professional entered my info in and told me what was up. I now owe $749 to the State of New York and the IRS. Additionally, I had to pay H&R Block $179* because I had to file 2 states and had a 1099. Oh, I’m sorry, are my taxes too complicated for you? Thank the Lord I pay over $800 a month on my student loans (I never thought I would say that) because all the interest that accrued last year saved me close to 400 bones. The woman said there is a silver lining to everything … I said, “excuse me while I blow my brains out.”

So one hour of my time, cost me close to $1,000. I could have done a lot with that money, like buy myself a Valentine. This is just further proof that 2008 was the worst year ever. I rest my case.

*Reflects $25 credit from coupon.

Are You There God, It's Me, Nina?

Dear God,

If you are there and take the time to read my blog, I need some help. You see I found this pair of shoes on Saks.com. They are available for pre-order only and I am worried that if I don't get them soon that my life might be over. I don’t know how these things usually work, but I am going to pray for them all week. So maybe we can work out a little deal … either you tell my boss to give me a nice bonus for working so hard or maybe you can send someone from your posse down here to hand deliver them from France. I’m including a picture so you don’t get confused. Size 38 please.

Thank you and please say hello to some of my peeps up there.

Doing It for the Kiddies

I have taken to my blog to discuss the VERY important topic of everyone’s favorite butter face swimming champion/recently busted ding-dong, Michael Phelps.

I used to love Michael Phelps. I liked him during the 2004 Olympics when I memorized exactly what he ate everyday. During the 2008 Olympics I was like everyone else waiting to see if he would break records and win those gold medals. He’s face isn’t all that exciting, but nobody can deny that bod. Anyway, I digress, for I am VERY upset with Mikey and here is why.

I think everyone has heard about Michael’s most recent discretion, but I really don’t care if the boy wants to cut loose and smoke a little weed. I mean, it’s not like he was found in a gutter in Tulsa with a needle in his arm and meth-face. What really irks me is the fact that he must be mentally challenged and it is ruining my belief that money buys you smarts! After the 2004 Olympics our boy got his first (and I am sure, not last) DUI. After which he went on the Today Show and told Matt Lauer he does not have a drinking problem. I am sure he donated the big bucks to some charity that helps kids whose precious lives were changed due to drunken driving, yada, yada, took some pics, and it was all forgotten. Four years later he is firing up the bong at some party at some college in South Carolina. Now I am no rocket science, I am guessing that Michael Phelps isn’t either, but people sometimes, as shocking as it seems, take pictures when they are drinking, or in his case, smoking their faces off. Facebook exists because there are drunks out there that love to document that shizz – present blogger included, thank you very much. Also, you can bet, that if I was whooping it up with digital camera in hand and I saw an Olympic athlete hitting the old bong, I’d be snapping away with that thing zoomed up so close you could see his jacked up teeth. I want to see him on the Today Show (again) telling Matt, “No, I am not a drug addict.” I don’t think that he is and more importantly, I don’t care if he is. Believe me; the world will go on with or without another asshole swimmer. I just feel like he is making the big bucks and therefore he has some sort of responsibility to the peeps that look up to him.

I want to know if Michael Phelps really thinks that he is above the law or if he just really is a dumbo who overestimates other people’s (drunken) integrity. I think it is most certainly the latter. I can’t wait to see what his mother has to say about this. Will her lucrative Chico’s endorsement go out the window? I hope not, that broad is sassy. I am pretty sure that I know how this one will end though. Our boy Mikey will take to the airwaves, apologize, donate some mula to some afterschool drug program for the kidlets, and nobody will even remember this little mishap.

So Mikey – keep up the good work. Smoke it up, drink it up, drive around town and act like a madman. I am sure someone will care, just not me. I will be too busy looking at those coked out hookers you picked up on your most recent trip to Vegas. You must make your mother so proud.